YEAR 2009

YEAR 2009
Its been a year. I think last January when I made my New Year resolution first thing on the list is to be serious in studies and be more servant to anyone. I think I fulfill that promise but one thing is not been fulfilled that we will be together these year. I know that this year is a tough one because i have to deal my emotion to her and its so painful. Yah, indeed life is full of challenges and some challenges are not resolve in good ways. Year 2009 will be a history both good and bad memories but the most important is that you learn from these memories and can give you encouragement that you will strive hard for the best.

2009 indeed is a heart to heart experience for me and likewise also the year of pretending of one's identity. Yeah i admit it, i am so pretentious this year. I know myself that i am so tired of these i want to stop these craziness but i deeply in love of her and it is hard to stop just like that.

I know that LOVE is the main issue this year. It is so obvious because starting in January I think, my affection towards her is starting to grow and growing that resolves to LOVE. I remember during summer class that i don't want to talk to you anymore because what you think that i was offended on what you said to me...but the truth is I’m just avoiding you, avoiding you because my heart is pump faster when I’m with you. I know it is so unfair because you didn't know the reason but i think this will be the best way to keep my feelings to you. During summer break 2 weeks before our class that we text to each other, yeah, i like that moment when we text to each other. But you stop texting me, and i don't mind it (but the truth is every now and then i always check my cell phone if you just say hello to me or just text any group messages.

When the second year of school started, when i know that we are not anymore sit mate because we are in different section, i'm so happy because i will not be with you anymore (because i thought that my love for you will gone) but i was totally wrong i miss you so bad, i just want to see you every time. I remember that we have a fight during the first month of schooling, yeah i planned for it, and I want you to get mad of me and hated me because I am mad at you. I know that you think my reason for getting mad at you is because you didn't reply every text i send to you, yeah i reason out that way but the truth is i am just avoiding you. But when i saw you walking at the corridor and we across to each other you smile at me but i didn't. I know that made you upset and maybe mad. i remember that you texted me that day and i didn't reply but other side of it i am waiting that you will text me and i will reply you after but i didn't do it because i will stand on my feelings. During the symposium, i think one of your friend said to me that you are so moody, and when i watch you, yeah you are so moody, i don't know what is the reason for that but one thing for sure it involves me. And by that reaction of yours i send you a message, message that i used a number in the cellphone and i think i said to you that 76779 "sorry". After that message we are back to friends again. And that time i'm starting to pretend that i don't like you.

I just remember during your 18th birthday, i am your first dance and i am happy because i danced with you but i cried during your last dance because one of your crush or just i said "mutual understanding" classmate offer you a dance, i got jealous and i didn't notice that I'm crying ( thank goodness the light is off.

It was during November, second semester if our second year in college that we are classmate again. I am mixed emotion at that time, because I'm happy that we are classmate but i am afraid because i know that my love for you will going to grow and that will surely affects me. During couple of weeks everything is fine for you but for me everything is hard, ya, i cried because I'm tired of pretending. But i think i have no guts to say to you my feeling that’s why i start to write it in the weekly assignment in theology and also facebook, i wrote weird stuff. And i know that you heard anything that is about me. i only used it because i am such a loser not to tell you directly. And i remember during the last Friday of November where everybody is ready of the open forum that i am uneasy that time its because I'm sure i can't stop my emotions and i know that you will learn about it. Yah, my prediction is right, when i read the paragraph i start to cry, i cannot stop the tears falling down, i know that you are also crying at that time. When the activity is finished and everybody is hugging each other, i secretly hug you and you said to me that you are SORRY, i was shock at that time and my tears are starting again to fall down... I now during that time, i start to avoid you but sometimes i cannot avoid you because we are classmate and it is hard to avoid each other when you are in the school. i always cry and cry i don't know what is the reason for this cry maybe because i'm just insecure of the things. I ask for advices but i didn't follow it maybe because i'm not willing to let go of you.

December 11, 2009...this time i text you all of my fellings,,,,as in all...from the beginning to the last i send it to you twice. i waited for your text but you didn't reply anything. I ask some of our friend about what will be the reaction and all of them said that they will think hard of it, so i think it is excused.

December 15, 2009...a time that i have the guts to tell you about anything...i ask you what is your reaction.....to summarize all of your text the main idea of it is FRIEND...It is so ouch for me indeed... i am insane at that time and crazy of what you said... Next day of that is started to avoid you...yeah, i know that is the stupid things to do but i don't know what's really in my mind.

December 18, 2009....BYE2x to everyone... yah, i remember this day also because this day i gave you a chocolate that has been days for me and i cannot give it to you face to face so i gave it to my friend and ask her to gave it to you instead. and i go rapidly, i am so stupid on what i did to her and loser to everybody of my friend. but after that day i was informed that you cry...

Last week, i text you and informed that the i will change and shockingly you said that "you like the way i am who is capable of loving but i think this will make you better because i don't want to see my dear friend to get hurt"...when i read this one i am totally crying,,,super crying like i want to explode...but this is your last text... i don't know what is the reason why you are know didn't reply my text and i am confused for what i feel right now because i am angry with you with that low excuse that you didn't reply all of my text...